Enlightenment

Alice was well into her sixties when she went to her doctor complaining of nausea, exhaustion, and occasional cramps. After a thorough examination the doctor sent her to the hospital for a battery of tests, and finally confronted her with the results. "Mrs. Jones, medically impossible though it seems at your age, there's no doubt about it: you're pregnant."

"Impossible," she cried, and fainted dead away. When she came to, she staggered to the phone, dialed her 78 year old husband, and yelled, "You've knocked me up, you randy old goat!"

There was a long pause at the other end of the line. Then a voice said, "And to whom am I speaking?"

Foolish Cannibals

A large engineering company in Nigeria recently hired several cannibals to work in its Structural dept. "You are all part of our team now", said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of our employees". The cannibals promised they would not. Four weeks later the HR Manager remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work. However, one of our construction instrument engineers has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?" The cannibals all shook their heads "No". After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate that construction Instrument engineer?" A hand rose hesitantly. "You fool!" the leader continued. "For four weeks we've been eating Piping Engineers and no one noticed a thing. But NOOOooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something."

Ratte rattle

When I was little, I was out playing football. I was wearing quite baggy trousers, so there was a lot of room, and I also really needed a shite. Due in part to laziness, I continued playing football while my cargo slowly slipped out with every movement I made. Soon enough, I'm running around playing football as if everything's fine, with a huge link freely rattling around in my pants like a pea in a whistle. When I got in to inspect the damage, my pants had a healthy tan, and I stood in the bathroom scrubbing at them with toilet roll, which just made it much worse.